Sawfeld
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: A very stupid story in which the puppetmaster behind Billy torments his first victim, Jerry Seinfeld.


**A/N: I'm watching Poltergeist, my first horror movie. So far, I'm not ready to give up, despite being scared. To help myself not completely freak out, I'm looking up information on other horror movies and randomly browsing the Internet. I have an idea for a stupid fanfiction, quite possibly because this is from the eighties and** _ **Seinfeld**_ **premiered in the nineties. Aw, who am I kidding, I'm just partially distracting myself. I have never seen the Saw movies and I never will. I just love making stupid stories. Enjoy! Read and review, if you please. Have an excellent day!**

 **Sawfeld**

 **by MiscellaneousSoup**

Jerry Seinfeld grumbled and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He had been having the nicest dream about cauliflower, for some reason. Some odd noise had woken him up. "Mr. Marbles? Elaine? Kramer, is that you? You'd better not be messing up the bathroom, I just organized it!"

The room looked normal. Maybe a blanket or two was out of place, but that could be attributed to moving around at night. Just as Jerry was about to go back to sleep, strange metal clamps appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and bound his wrists to the bed. "This isn't funny, Kramer! Wait, why would I think Kramer is doing this? Am I still dreaming?"

A small puppet lightly thumped onto the bed, right across from Jerry's face. With slow, jerky movements, it turned to face him. "Hello, Seinfeld."

Jerry yawned. "You remind me of something. Are you related to that dummy from that cool new series, Goosebumps? Sloppy?"

The dummy growled. "It's Slappy, you racist moron! All dummies are not related. Really, don't you read? Anyway, my name is none of your concern. Do you want to play a game?"

Jerry stopped struggling and setting back into his blankets. "This is quite relaxing, actually. Sure, I'll play a game. This is the most surreal dream I've had in weeks."

The voice emanating from the puppet filled with glee. "Perfect, Mr. Seinfield, perfect. Currently, you are trapped in your bed. You can't move any part of your body. Bonds are restraining your hands and I am preventing your legs from moving. I'm heavier than my appearance implies."

"Hey, why not go on a diet? It's not like you'll die, knock on wood."

The puppet inched closer to Jerry. "That's not funny."

Jerry shrugged, well, as much as a trapped person _can_ shrug. "What do you expect? Dreams aren't typically a fountain of mirth."

The puppet moved back to its original position. "Enough. You are currently trapped. The key to your escape is in this video." The puppet's face shifted to reveal a video screen. "If you sit through this entire video, then I will let you go and you can go back to your normal routine. If not…" The video screen changed to an image of a cartoony skeleton.

While the puppet monologued, Jerry tried to scratch an itch on his nose by rubbing his face on the pillow. "Ah, that's the stuff. What? Oh, yeah, sure. Play the tape."

The screen shifted to Newman, standing on a stage, surrounded by tables, packed with interested bar patrons.

Jerry gasped. "Newman! He must've stolen some of my stand-up notes. I knew Kramer was lying when he said that they were going out to gamble last week."

The video started playing. Newman fiddled with his microphone. "So, uh, the moon is bright tonight. What is is with moons always having a bad reputation? We always hear that they glow. What's the deal with that? I saw it while I was driving here and I almost mistook it for Rudolph. Get it? Rudolph? He has a glowing nose, like in the song?"

Jerry screamed like a frightened child. "NO! NO!" The puppet grinned, for he was witnessing the purest form of anguish. A professional comedian being forced to watch bad comedy. Worse yet, bad semi-improvised comedy, crudely shaped from a rejected list of notes for comedy routines.

For fourteen minutes, Jerry suffered through seventeen different agonizingly bad routines, all about only the most boring of minutia, told in the most unprofessional manner possible. Newman paused, stuttered, jeered at the audience, swore at hecklers, drank beer onstage, coughed in the middle of a joke, started over several times, told a knock-knock joke, and nearly started a drunken brawl with the next comedian.

Finally, the puppet returned to normal. "I'm impressed, Seinfeld. You survived the most horrifying comedy routine known to humanity. But can you survive the second part?"

"Yeah, right." Jerry scoffed. "I was mocking the whole thing in my head. Critiquing, rewriting, revising, MT3King, and just plain insulting Newman. Come to think of it, the ending wasn't half bad. I could watch a whole movie about Jay Leno beating him up and throwing him in a Dumpster. How did you get footage of that, anyway?"

The puppet grinned. "I am a man of many talents, Seinfeld. Now, prepare for part two."

Jerry Seinfeld sighed as the video played almost one solid hour of George singing karaoke and Elaine dancing. "This isn't scary at all. It's just normal, daily things. It's the kind of stuff that I willingly put up with in order to remain friends with them. Doesn't Howdy-Doody annoy you, at times?"

The puppet howled in anger. "Darn you and your racist comments, Seinfeld! For the last time, not all puppets and dummies know each other! Sure, I hang out with Gabbo from time to time, but that's only because he genuinely gets me! Besides, I'm not actually a puppet, I'm some guy controlling this puppet through sophisticated technology! You know what, I'm going to go straight to my final surprise. Prepare for the ultimate terror. It's a supercut of every single time Kramer has messed up your apartment with germs, filth, and mud!"

Twenty minutes later, Jerry was still bored. "Piece of cake. I've been able to clean up all of these messes. You're showing me the past. I'm concerned with the future. You might want to revise your little schtick, by the way. This isn't very scary. You might want to go more into psychological terror. Mess with your victim's heads and make them question reality."

The puppet considered this. "You know what, you're completely right. To be perfectly honest, this is my first time trying to terrify someone with sadistic games. I'll come back in a week and submit my newest hypothetical material for tormenting the average schmoe." The chains retracted.

Jerry nodded. "Good. I'll try to come up with more advice in the meantime. See you later!"

 _The pair would become famous in the field of psychological terror. Many books on the subject were published. Unfortunately, they would argue over who originally came up with the material, causing in a rift. Years later, they would reunite on a very special episode of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. This has been the History Channel's new program "Comics Changing History", continuing to give you made-up, nonsensical trash. Tune in next time for the story of how Jimmy Fallon cured the common cold through a simple joke. You won't believe how he does it!_

 **THE END**


End file.
